That’s right ladies and gentleman – this new way of life is getting just a bit hard.
It’s not because I’ve given up drinking Coke, which I am really proud about, or eating more green veg and less white carbs.
Nope – it’s my inner voice.
I thought I had silenced the voice in my head which has been my worst enemy throughout the years. It’s the voice that gives me permission to give up on my goals – the voice that puts so much doubt in my head as to whether I can lose weight at all.
I was going along quite nicely until Australia Day. Matt’s nephew was born on this day, so we spent the evening celebrating with the family.
What is served at children’s birthday parties?
Party food, of course.
Now I have this stomach issue which really prevents me from eating any great amount of pastry. I have developed quite a distaste for this sort of food because it causes me so much pain when I eat it.
So, I had a plan. I would have one party pie and one sausage roll and that would be it. Just enough o be sociable, but not enough to make me feel sick.
With all the food laid out on the table – I found my hand reaching for this and that. Before I knew it, I’d eaten three sausages rolls and about four party pies. Major blow out of the plan! When asked if I’d like a piece of white chocolate birthday cake. Sure!! Why not!! I insisted on a small piece – but settled for a standard piece in the end. It looked really yummy.
Of course, there were also chocolate crackles. I haven’t had them for years!! Why not! So, I ate not one, not two – but five!!!
I was offered a beer or two – but by this time, I was feeling deeply ashamed of myself. I said no, and it became my favourite word to every offer, other than water, for the rest of the night.
I was in a funny mood all the next day. I ate an apple for breakfast – then nothing else for the rest of the day.
At the gym waiting for my trainer, I sat doing stretches on the matt – thinking about how hungry I felt but thinking it was an essential feeling after the indiscretions of the day before. Not only that, but my stomach was hurting because I had filled my body with such bad food.
On the treadmill, my trainer commented that I wasn’t my usual self. I hadn’t realized how much I was obsessing about the party food binge until he mentioned it. I blurted out what I had done – how I wasn’t only ashamed, but absolutely angry with myself!
I love eating out, I love eating full stop – but I plan to eat out – I save my points and it’s my special treat. There’s nothing to feel guilty about because I’ve worked for the meal at a nice restaurant, or ice cream or whatever I chose to indulge in. But at the party, I binged on food I don’t even enjoy. It was the first time since I started Weight Watchers 11 weeks ago that I had actively sabotaged by weight loss efforts. I felt shattered.
My trainer was really great. He explained that these things happen and that the fact I was there, walking on the treadmill, was testament to the fact that I’m still on track.
Still feeling like I had been my own worst enemy, my trainer reminded me of another goal I had set for myself – to run on the treadmill by February. At 112 kilograms, there was no way I was ready to run anywhere – but at 102.8 kilograms – I ran!
Only for 4 lots of 30 second intervals – but I did it! As I ran, all I could think about was listening to see how much noise I was making as I put one foot in front of the other. I was always scared of sounding like a herd of elephants. But, it wasn’t too bad! Still holding on to the rail, too scared to let go for fear of losing balance and falling over -my trainer encouraged me to let go. So, I did.
God it felt awesome. Sure, I’d didn’t run for long, and I got cramps in my feet and had to take my shoes off – but I did it!
I went home and talked to Matt. I told him how bad I felt and had a really good cry about it. He let me cry, he reassured me, and gave me lots of love and encouragement. I felt instantly better. I had let it go and was back on track!
Running on the treadmill changed my whole perspective on things. I had made poor choices the day before – but I had still managed to achieve a great goal. Not only that, but after a good cry, I came in the next morning to do another session. Half an hour of hard-yakka cardio. I was sore and tired – but after finishing that session – I felt like I had paid for my sins and could continue to go on and be proud of myself.
Today was weigh in day and I was prepared. Food wise – the week had not been a success – and so I assumed I would gain a little for the first time (other than Christmas). Well, I am very proud to say that I lost 200 grams. Not much. But I have officially lost 9.1 kilograms. YAY!
Today I also started back at yoga and I’ll be heading to the gym for another session tomorrow to discuss my workout plans going forward. I fear my body is starting to rebel – so it might be time to shake things up a bit.
So, alls well that ends well. I lost a bit, I’m back on track and I’ve got a plan to keep going. Life’s great!!