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The journey continues …

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This weekend was quite a rollercoaster with a  looming weight goal and the fitting of my wedding dress.

This year has already been one of the most exciting in my whole life.

If you hadn’t heard me talk or write about it a zillion times – I’m getting to marry my one true love in November. I know it sounds sappy – but it’s true 🙂

I’ve also turned into a healthy food and fitness junkie. Most people assume it’s because of the wedding – and I’m not going to deny that it’s part of it – but the wedding really served to provide a timeframe for my efforts.

Back in November, I wrote about why I wanted to do this … and if you missed that post, you can read it here. But, at the end of the day, if I don’t do something about my health now, I’m going to the grave early. Now, I have a life I so want to live. I want to be on this earth, to walk beside Matt, bring up our children and experience what the world has to offer. That’s going to take a good lifetime – so I want to be here, healthy and feeling great.

This is not just a vain attempt to look hot in a wedding dress. It’s about health and, without being indulgent, it’s about confidence. I have never given myself permission to look at my own reflection and think that I’m beautiful. I’ve always looked at myself in the mirror or in photos and so many times I have welled up, with tears threatening to explode from my eyes and turned away feeling the saddest emotions. I can’t even describe it. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember.

On the drive up to Melbourne to see my dress on Saturday with two of my bridesmaids by my side (my maid of honour lives interstate) – I was still stressing about whether the dress I had chosen when I was 13 kilograms heavier than I am now, would still be “the one”. A few photos were taken of me in the dress back in September and I have spent a fair bit of time looking at them and cringing over the past few months – particularly my wrestler arms and my very “round” face. I had set myself a goal to be under 100 kilos by the time I got measured to order my dress.

Saturday was the day and the Wednesday prior, I took a chance and jumped on the scales. I thought the numbers would tell me I had a way to go and it would force me to work harder in the coming days to ensure I reached my goal. I had worked hard in the gym and planned to every morning before work for the remainder of the week. When I looked down at the scales and I saw double digits reading 99 – guess what I did.

I cried.

In true Lisa fashion, I burst into tears. I had made it with days to spare! I sprinted into the study to tell Matt – and he was thrilled. I rang mum and dad and they were happy for me too. Mum even sent me flowers the following day. Very spoilt!

But, once I got off the phone, I realised I wasn’t feeling as elated as I thought I would. I had mixed emotions and I guess it’s because I realised that being 99 kilos doesn’t suddenly make me beautiful and confident. I realised that despite my efforts – I still have a bloody long way to go. I was daunted with the task of needing to set new goals, of having to see myself in this wedding dress and hope that somehow, with some weight loss, my confidence would have improved.

So, through the coming days, I worked my butt off at the gym. Some mornings I’d get on the bike for my warm up at 7am and yawn … but I pushed past the yearnings for my soft pillow and worked until my heart rate was up and I was sweating a river.

As I was standing in the change rooms at the bridal shop with the girl helping me into the dress I had picked last year – I knew I had done all I could to this point. I have worked harder and been more dedicated to this than any of the previous million times I have tried to shed my excess kilos.

Being short – I hitched the dress up a mile and walked carefully to the box all brides get to stand on when they try on wedding dresses. I let the dress fall to the floor and looked up at my reflection in the mirror.

And, I had one of those drama queen wedding dress moments. My body went tingly, my heart started to race, but my shoulders relaxed and suddenly – I burst into tears. Tissues were called for and my wonderful bridesmaids Ruza and Tabitha hugged me and told me I look beautiful.For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and I felt proud. Yes, I can see that I have a long journey ahead and that this is just the beginning – but standing there in the dress I really had loved from the beginning – for the first time I could really see how much I have changed. I know Matt would think I was beautiful no matter what I’m wearing – but I know he’s going to love seeing me in this dress and I can’t wait to meet him at the other end of the aisle.

Obviously, I can’t show you a photo of the dress, but this is a photo of me and the lovely Tabitha on the day.

It also turns out that I don’t actually need to be measured for the dress until early May!! How cool is that! So, my focus is on 5/5/12 for the measuring tape – and the girls will also be fitted for their bridesmaid dresses as well. If I could be another 10 kilos lighter by then, that would be so cool! It’s 10 weeks away – so I think at least another five kilos is achievable.

But, despite dresses and scales and training and everything else – there is one thing I am sure of. I have said too many bad things about myself and cried too many tears over the way I look. My aim, above all else, is to respect myself and to feel healthy and fabulous! Now that’s a great goal!

P.S

Thanks you to Tabitha and Ruza for making Saturday such a wonderful day. They were awesome and took heaps of photos to share with my maid of honour, Celia. They carried my bags, fetched veils and jewelery and shoes for me to try on. I’m one very lucky bride to be!

 

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