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Food – my biggest worry

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Food worry – it’s a term I have never encountered before – but when I heard another woman on a similar journey to myself mention it a few days ago – I had one of those light bulb moments.

Worry: to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. Dictionary.com

Put the word “food” in front of that definition – and you have what’s going on in my head space down to a tea.

Speaking of light bulbs and moments – I have quite a few during this journey.

One of them is that I am a food addict – and that I truly believe this is some form of mental illness/eating disorder.

Symptoms include having regular meltdowns, obsessive thoughts, under eating, over eating, exercise highs and lows, bad internal dialogue and … probably the thing that ultimately sits behind all that … FOOD WORRY!

I worry about what I will have for every breakfast, lunch and dinner … and every snack in between. But, I won’t just worry about it once. I’ll think about it, discuss each option in my head – way up the pros and cons – and then make a decision. But, then I change my mind and this process goes on, and on … and sometimes – on and on.

Here’s a snap shot of my mindset for just one meal: On Thursday I decided three times what I was going to have for lunch. First it was tom yum soup, then it was vegie soup, then I remembered – I had a catered meeting. So then, I had to decide what I would eat out of the catered offerings. I stuck to the sandwiches, instead of the deep-fried stuff, which, to my relief, was a no brainer (at least that choice has become somewhat easier after eight months!!). But, at the end of it all – I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening getting upset at myself because I had let myself get too hungry before lunch and therefore, I didn’t just eat four quarter slices – making one sandwich – I probably ate seven. I also felt bad because I ate two sandwich segments that were made with WHITE BREAD!! That’s right, white bread!! OMG!!

Do you see what I mean? My head is a bloody mess! Not only that, but later that night we ate at Matt’s parents place. We had steak for tea – so yummy! But the steak was huge and there was bread and potato – and there was wine. The only things I managed to decline was the wine – even though I would have really loved a glass. I ate four discs of yummy sourdough bread – a medium potato and a WHOLE T-bone steak!! I thought about it for the rest of the night – I have thought about it the next day. I’ve obsessed over it – especially when I hopped on the scales yesterday morning which revealed I am now over a kilo away from my 20kg goal now, rather than 300gm!

Why can’t I have better self-control? God dammit! I can’t blame anyone but myself for not knowing when to stop eating or my lack of willpower when it comes to not eating too many carbs. Bread AND potato in one meal – it’s just not going to cut it if I want to actually lose more weight. I shouldn’t have eaten the whole steak. I want to be the person that can confidently see that bread on the table and not reach for a piece. Nobody can help me do that – except me!

Not only that but my back and whole body is so sore that I had to skip training yesterday morning.

Talk about worried!

Food always used to be my friend – but most of the time – I feel like we are at war. When I get down like this – I feel like I still have so far to go to overcome my issues with food because I can’t possibly spend the rest of my life fighting, worrying, obsessing and over thinking everything to do with food.

I’m off to decide what to have for lunch … again!



2 comments on “Food – my biggest worry
  1. I am sending you a big hug. I think you just need to be kind to yourself. Remember what you have done, all this work and amazing journey and allow yourself to experience this, I mean really really experience what you have done. AMAZING JOB. I know you can and will do it.
    Take care of you.

    • Oh Deborah – thank you so much. Your comments always bring a huge smile to my face … and this one was no different. It’s people like you which inspire me when things get tough and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that!
      Take care of yourself too 🙂
      Lisa Mary

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