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Enough is Enough! – Or is it?

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I have now lost more than 20 kilos – and I’m still so terribly afraid of failure.

I have spent my whole life being afraid to even try to shed my excess kilos for fear all my effort would not be recognized with the weight loss I believed I deserved.

Most people would look at a shift from over 110 kilos to the late 80-kilo weight range and think that’s an achievement.

Hell, when I’m in the right frame of mind – I’m so proud of myself.

Those glimpses in the mirror or window as you walk down the street and you do a double take as to whether the woman walking in the reflection is actually you.

You look with satisfaction and a smile and think – YES!!

But then there’s other times that rip you from your sense of achievement. A photo taken from a bad  angle – where you realize that stupid double chin is still there!! Twenty kilos on and it’s still there! I wallow in my own self pity wondering how much longer and how much more effort it will take before that chin just goes away!

It’s those moments that make me feel lower than the previously described elation and I think – why the hell am I bothering with this? I get so over these meltdowns – they happen all the frigging time! One minute I’m up, feeling fabulous – the next my mood is in the gutter and finding the motivation to pull myself up and keep going is hard. I’m sick of having to find the motivation … Why can’t it just be there? Ever constant, like a good friend?

Me and this healthy living thing – we so aren’t best friends yet! I’m still building a solid relationship with this way of life I am striving for. All relationships – whether they be with a lover, or your best friend, or even a work colleague – if they are worth having – then you have to work at it.

The relationship I need to build with myself is no different.

Last night I got home from work and I declared to Matt that I didn’t think I could continue losing weight – that I didn’t think I wanted to. Not because I feel dead-set sexy. I just want the internal dialogue – the arguments, the struggle and the fight to be over.

When is it enough? When will I finally get to that moment and feel like I have made it? 

I look at myself sometimes and I think – wow, I never thought I’d look like that! I never thought I’d be in a lingerie shop trying on corsets to go under my wedding dress with tags that read size 14 to 16. The lady pulled out a pair of underwear in a size 20 to show me what they look like and made the following comment.
“These aren’t a very good example because they are like four sizes too big for you…”

I laughed and she looked at me strangely. Then I told her – that used to be my size – maybe even a 22, depending on the manufacturer. For someone to tell me that fitting into a size 20 is now a ridiculous proposition – well that feels pretty good!

In saying that though – I don’t think my decision to stop losing weight and go into a maintenance phase has anything to do with sizes on underwear labels, comments from people or even how Matt feels about it all. He fell in love with me weighing more than 110 kilos and he loves me just the same now. My weight isn’t going to change that. I’m a very lucky woman to not have a man who judges me on weight. He just wants me to be happy. Right now, he sees I’m not happy.

But I think it has to be when this healthy way of life and I are seeing eye to eye. When we are best friends – like tomatoes and basil are in the realm of flavours, or how red and black just look stunning together.
We have to be best friends and while we are at odds – I have to keep on going. If I don’t – then we are going to part ways and I will go back to doing all the self-loathing behaviours I used to do – and sometimes get the overwhelming urge to go back to. It doesn’t mean to say that we won’t have to work on our relationship and that it’s always going to be easy – but it’s got to get a whole lot more solid than it is right now!

Yesterday as I hit the pool again for the first time in a long time – I thought about this state of affairs. I did 10 laps – and honestly – it was really tough!

So here’s the plan:

  • Monday – exercise optional
  • Tuesday – swimming after work (11 laps)
  • Wednesday – swimming after work followed by weights at the gym (12 laps)
  • Thursday – Swimming after work (13 laps)
  • Friday – Exercise optional
  • Saturday – Swimming (14 laps) and weights at the gym
  • Sunday – Swimming (15 laps)

Being a girls with very curly hair – I am going to spend the week with very bad hair – but, as you can see – I’m excited!

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I want to get to the point where I am doing 20 laps and totally rocking it.

Have you been in my position before? Have you battled with motivation and your own sense of self-worth? I’d appreciate hearing your stories and any tips you might have to make it through in the comments section below. Sometimes these hurdles can make you feel like you’re all alone … I hope I’m not!

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Comments

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2 comments on “Enough is Enough! – Or is it?
  1. Hi Lisa,

    I am in a very similar situation to you. I started last year as 28, 111 kilos, diagnosed with PCOS, and, while not about to get married, my husband and I are trying to start a family.

    Since last June, I made it down to 91 kilos at my lightest, and my gyno prescribed Metformin to try to help with conception.

    I have to admit to losing motivation lately. It doesn’t seem to matter what I try, I cannot conceive and I was stuck at a plateau with my weight loss.

    Now I’m back at 94 kilos and trying desperately to refind my motivation and get back onto eating the way I know I should be.

    Good luck!

    • Hi Amy
      Thanks for your comment – I have to say our lives are very similar and I can totally relate to what you are saying.

      But, firstly I just want to say – well done!! To get down to 91 kilos is incredible! You should be sooo proud of yourself! Awesome work!

      As for the PCOS – I am on Metformin (Diabex actually, the slow release form) – have been since I was diagnosed five years or so ago – and, despite my weight loss (and we both know how incredibly hard it is), my symptoms associated with the PCOS haven’t improved. I feel sometimes like going to the doctor and saying – Hey! I’ve lost just over 20 kilos – where are all these PCOS benefits you promised!

      I know deep down inside that IVF may be the only option for me – and my fiancée and I have talked about that. I am kind of hoping if I can get between 80 and 85 kilos things will turn around.
      All I can tell you is to keep going, keep fighting. I know it’s hard when your stupid hormones and body (not to mention the mind) are fighting you every step of the way. But, and I’m sorry to quote skin care commercials – but we are so worth this effort and this fight. I hope you continue. You and me – we have already proven we can do it – we just have to keep on going!

      I do hold on to the fact that there are other options for girls like us that struggle to conceive (I struggled for years with a previous partner) – and perhaps that’s something to explore if you haven’t already. But don’t give up. You’re not alone and if you ever want a friendly ear – drop me an email lisamary@uforicfood.com . I’d be only too happy to hear from you.
      Take care Amy and thanks for stopping by.
      Cheers,
      Lisa

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