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Today is the day … I have to be healthy to make my dream come true

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While our wedding served as a great timeline to achieve weight loss … as the time goes by  – I am getting bigger and bigger.

And what kills me is that I know people are noticing. It’s a bitter pill to swallow,  but I realise I walk down the hallway at work, or bump into people I haven’t seen in a while – and I have become that chick who lost weight, and is stacking it ALL back on again.

Holding all the weight I lost - 20 kilos of potatoes.

Holding all the weight I lost – 20 kilos of potatoes.

I don’t even have the excuse of a baby on the way. I’m just getting, well, fat. There’s really no nice way to put it.

It makes me want to curl up under the doona and never get up. It makes me want to hide from the world because I know people are thinking that I have failed.

I hate that not only the world, but my own mind judges being overweight, fat, thin, skinny – whatever label you want to use – as some marker of “success”. Skinny people are motivated, beautiful, popular. But, if you’re overweight – many people put you in the box of weak, lazy, incompetent.

I wish I didn’t care about any of that – but I do. I do care about what people think of me. I always have.

But, I eluded in my last post that there was a life-changing reason for losing weight. Well, not just losing weight, but being healthy.

You see, when you have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (if you want to read more about it, there is an informative FAQ here ) – you’re weight is an important gauge in your overall health – but not just everyday health. It will, in many cases, determine your fertility.

The bigger you are the less chance of falling pregnant and having a healthy baby.

This has been hanging over my head since I found out about my condition when I was 23 years old. I had ballooned to 117 kilos. At 97 kilos, I am a lot lighter than I was – but as my weight has risen over the last few months – my PCOS symptoms have been growing. When I was losing weight, they had begun to improve.

2013-03-26 18.39.16Last year I focused on the wedding – and while we are fine if a baby doesn’t come along super fast as we are about to move into a beautiful new home and trying to build our new business, LMC Media Solutions, it’s clear that I have to keep my health a clear priority. I turn 30 this year and I don’t need my age to become another factor.

This is very hard for me to write about and to talk about – but I had so many of you throw such amazing support behind me last year, that I wanted to share this with you. But, more importantly, I want other women who have PCOS (or those battling with your weight and health) – who are perhaps upset, confused, embarrassed and stressed – to realise they aren’t alone.

As I watch the people around me falling pregnant and having their little families, seemingly so easily, I worry every day we may not have that – and even if we did  – it won’t just happen for us. Not without determination, and if IVF is required – a big financial investment. Of course, we would do anything to make that family become a reality.

People who do know about my PCOS have all the reassuring words under the sun – they are sure we will have a baby. I appreciate that very much – but nothing will allay my fears until we have a healthy son or daughter in our arms.

Beautiful sunrise

One of many beautiful sunrises from my morning walks last week.

Last week I started walking every morning before work – and that will continue.  But, as of today – I am back on my healthy journey again.  No more eating at night, over-eating or making the wrong choices. Last year I was so firmly in the right head space, that I didn’t think I could be shaken from my healthy path. I am determined to make that truer than ever. I have always dreamed of having a baby and now that I have the right man in my life, I want it more than ever!

Have you been in my position before? Have you lost weight and put it back on again? Do you have PCOS?  If you feel comfortable, please share your story in the comments section below. I’m sure I’m  not alone.


 

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Comments

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3 comments on “Today is the day … I have to be healthy to make my dream come true
  1. Deborah on said:

    Oh my goodness I so get what you are thinking and feeling. I had no idea what sort of a journey I would have when my husband and myself tried for a family. It started after a miscarriage. I was absolutely amazed that we were pregnant very bad timing but amazing none the less. Then all over before it had begun and we were seeing a specialist when I explained how surprised I was to be pregnant, my cycles were so irregular, my weight up and it had happened. My weight fluctuated from 65kg – 98 kg and everything in between. After further testing we found I had PCOS (Kate Stern) was absolutely amazing in our journey. We started with tablets for diabetes to try to increase the chance of getting pregnant and help regulate my cycle and allow me to ovulate. After 3 months of that back to the specialist and further tests. We then found out that my husband had issues too. So now our chances of getting pregnant were even further reduced. I was doing treatment and trying desperately to lose weight. A battle that felt like a roller coaster ride. The emotional turmoil of this journey was already not helping and then the pressure of losing a pregnancy was such a battle Sitting in the waiting room looking at the other women there was just so hard to describe. I could barely look at a pregnant women, I struggled with my emotions and the results of the next test. We had not even begun to try again. Everything was monitored, we were not doing IVF however at the time we were doing the next best thing. Injections on a daily basis, internal examinations, blood tests and being told when to have sex. EVERYTHING was monitored, everything was under the microscope and our relationship was struggling. The treatment for my husbands problems had been unsuccessful and we were left with the Professor saying to us, “by the way if you do get pregnant please tell me.” We went straight to chinese medicine for treatment after that comment. Alternatives must be able to help if conventional couldn’t… I was so desperate! We were nearing the end of this journey, IVF was next and this was no guarantee. I was waiting for the days to IVF I had everything marked in a calendar, everything was being counted, timed, written about. Then I realised that I hadn’t had a failure….. that I might have a small miracle happening. I did a test and it came up positive this time. So many tests and so many negatives this one I could barely believe. A blood test confirmed this and then an ultrasound gave us more news… two heart beats. One egg that we had watched, one egg had split and there was 2 little miracles happening. TWINS (identical). Last visit with my amazing specialist and I was back to my Gyno/Obst. We were being monitored every 2 weeks, I had no idea that twins would be such a hard pregnancy. I became very sick. My girls (yes I found out we were having 2 little girls) were pushed up hard under my lungs. I was sick and finding it so hard to breath. I didn’t care, I was pregnant finally and having the most amazing more than I ever hoped for babies. On a routine 27 weeks ultrasound (or so I thought) this one was by myself, my husband had a meeting that he really needed to go to. The very worse news, one of the girls had no heartbeat. (I will not write what I felt I don’t think I can say even now)……. later I was sitting outside the waiting room, waiting for my husband to come and take me to hospital when Kate saw me and raced me into her room to talk to me about what had happened. She was carefully explaining that sometimes with identical twins things go wrong and what to expect now. After 3 weeks in hospital our girls were being born…. my little Lily was so still and so perfect and so beautiful and my Petal such a fighter…. we had a beautiful and tiny surviving twin…. the next 3 months was spent back and forwards at hospital watching my girl fight to breath and grow and battle infection. The rest of the time was spent organising a funeral for my dear little Lily. My Petal losing her twin had taken a toll on her… some brain damage and other problems along with her prematurity. HOWEVER she was here, she was coming home and I had my most precious little girl.

    We were told that we would not get pregnant again. It was not something that I wanted to battle again. I didn’t think that I would be able to emotionally put our family through this. My girl had special needs and I was happily looking after her. Then very bad news my dad, had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He would be coming to live with us. I was looking after my little toddler and my dad full time. I was run off my feet, I had lost a lot of weight and was so busy. I was getting sick, I could barely cook my fathers breakfast, he needed a big cook breakfast to try to build him up. I realised that I was tired and irregular again with my cycles. I put it down to stress and thought I would see a doctor later. I then started to think about things. I had in fact given my body the best chance to get pregnant, I had lost a lot of weight, I was busy and not thinking about things and I was pregnant. A natural pregnancy this time… timing oh my goodness the worse but also helped me get through the first part. It was a much easier pregnancy health wise and emotionally the worse and at times the only thing that kept me going especially when my dad died not that long after I found out. I was extremely close to my dad. I cannot tell you what a hole in my heart it left losing him. A few months later, a BIG baby boy was born. Healthy, full term (actually they had taken pity on me as he was so big and delivered him 2 weeks early). My girl took one look at him and asked “can we take him home now mummy, I love him.”

    • Oh Deborah … what an incredible story. I’m in tears just reading it. I can’t imagine how you felt going through so much – but please let me say – thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal story here.
      I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain and loss to have your babies – and yet here you are – being encouraging and wonderful to me and offering so much hope despite it all. You’re one incredible lady Deborah – and so very giving. It sounds like you have a beautiful family now … I hope they bring you all the joy and love you so truly deserve!
      Thanks so much again,
      XOXO
      Lisa

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